POETRY CORNERED, 2016

Processing Aloneness and the Pain of Others,

Which is My Pain Too And I

Am Blessed Enough to Taste It,

Bitter and Sweet, Like Rich Hot Cocoa

And Burnt Roof of Mouth;

La Dulce Culpa.

Or

W.A.L.S.T.I.B

By Marval A Rex

There is only so much you can do.

There is this breath.

There is this moment.

We as this species are built to believe we know.

Right now we think we know.

Anything.

Everything.

Somethings.

I sit here, embroiled in my own emotional wave.

Also attune to the other that is myself.

And I think I know.

The truest wisdom I’ve heard so far

(and I just cleaned out my waxy ears literally, so my hearing is more clear)

Is that you can’t truly know anything.

The trick, the dance:

It’s about having boundaries when you feel that there are

No boundaries between

anything and anyone

And the terror of that truism

Keeps us all thinking that

We know.

I’ve seen two people become one

I’ve witnessed swaths of people act and breathe as one

I’ve felt this species as one.

And yet our mind runs us around the track and shen-pas and

Shit storms all over

the unification parade

The consolidated dance

The everything messiness

That our brain even prescribes it

As mess

When it is our brain that is run amok.

And I know that all the hateful, distrustful, saddened words

Of everyone everywhere,

All the people who distrust you

Distrust themselves

Don’t have their brain in order.  

And let all the genius truths of their body be distorted

By the mind and let

the  brain build

A castle of defenses and supposed truths

And blame the other

And feel resentment

Out of their own sense of

Internal chaos

Further muddied by the shit slinging mind out-of-bounds

The mind is not inherently evil

Nothing is

Nothing is inherently anything

Our minds have created evil 

As a response to information from our bodies.

Our minds give words and the words

Hold weight

And sometimes these words

can weigh us down.

Sometimes we chain ourselves to words

Words chain themselves to us, clandestinely

When we think we have freed  our self.

When we think we have it right

We crucify ourselves with the smugness reserved

Only for the Mind.

Amazing

it’s amazing!

Awe-some,

To evoke Awe.

The complexity is the majesty

Of kinesiology.

The kinesiology of God,

Our truly weighted word for

Sheer luminescent brilliance,

As prescribed by the Christians. 

Felt by all,

Even when in deep deep denial

For darkness darkens your mind

And crumples the body

But the awesome-ness exists on

In your fecundity

Brighter than ever

Waiting

For your mind to grow weak

While the body grows even weaker.

It waits

Licking itself to a shimmering bold hue

until you break

And then grants you release

As some form of death.

Sometimes our bodies follow along with this death

And we mourn for the change

We don’t understand.

I’ve seen some darkness.

I’ve gone down into places,

Which allows for my beacon

My lighthouse ringing near and far

To expose more of my shadow.

They’re handsome, devilish

Toothy and well dressed

Ivory skin and like every gaunt

And banal vampire of every romance novel ever

But actually a phantom

Who craves music first

Blood second

Love third.

What do you see?

Its an amorphous movement

But can become anything,

Your shadow.

It will tell you things

You need to know

What do you see?

<>

In reparations for my

Allegiance

my bleak shadowness gifts me:

My light grows bright.

For I’ve embraced darkness

known darkness

Felt darkness and

Succumbed to the black

Of my night, your night

And the world’s night.

I’ve turned every sound off

And violently torn my eyes

Apart in the deep silence

Of inverted mass.

I have been gifted with the darkness

The drowning loudness of death

And in its shamanimity

That has groped me tenderly

I have been given

The eyes of others.

To see their pain

Their worlds

Their hurts

Their discrepancies

Their dislocated tendencies

Their flashing pasts

Their tone all the way down to the

bloodlines

And my broken inner child

Climbing the mountain of its new

Bodice, no dislocations there

Asks and call for one slice of

Weighty words:

“I don’t understand,

But I want to. I want to try to

Understand you”

If I look to understand you

I come to see more of myself,

Us broken angels, some

Of us don’t want to understand ourselves

Out of our broken bottomness

Out of the shards

We refuse because

they sting on the reuptake

And even then

Even momentarily fused to

Another’s brokenness

A reflection of my own stained brittleness

I am still grasped by the beauty

Broken or whole

Because it is all mine

All of it is in me

And I am in all

Basic basic basic

It’s been said before

The mind comes in and judges and analyzes and takes all apart

But it doesn’t make it any less true

And logic loses here

So I don’t spend time focusing on the A or B or C

I focus on my love

My listening

And my surrendering

To my moment

Your moment

And the broken to whole

And the just plain broken

And the plain glorious whole of

All of it

With holiness in sight,

Or not.

Because it is wholly holy no matter what

You think.

Caving in,

I will offer you a hand

I will listen

And try to understand.

I will try I will try.

Even when I can barely handle my own depth

Of the summit of my sadness

And the whispers of my psyche take over me

And consume and frighten me into

A shivering child whose

Fear is of its own

Wrongdoing.

Marval,

You did nothing wrong.

The wrongness is a judgement

Based on an illusion

Created by a mechanism

Infiltrated with fear

And

Misunderstanding.

How do I release the Movie?

Focus on the beauty.

Focus on the Love.

Focus on the Art and the Truth

And the soft purr of cat cheek on my arm

And the softness available

In every touch.

And the connecting and blurring with others.

Focus on self gratitude and self care.

And creative loving, living.

Don’t act out of mental fear,

Sit and wait and

wait to respond

And fall in

Love 

With your generator,

Your holy turbine of trumpeting

Heralds.

Fall in love with your vessel

And the mind will quiet and

Serve a dull texture

And lose its weighty words

And beg you to come back

Even if it's a back to come with a

Body full and present

And as the center console of your

Doing.

My design is to empower and

Provide support

When it is your design and when it is your aura

Others will react as they do

Depending on their stage where they

May or may not dance with their darkness

I have so far to go I feel

But it is exciting

The challenge

And it is rewarding

My heart croons to me.

And one day my hunger will lessen

My thoughts will gain buoyancy

And will fade when need be

And I won’t

Treat anyone

Anyway

Just because my pain is weedling me around it’s little thumb

I will know all my pain,

And be open to knowing its newness

As it rises each morning

For layers grow like skin

And layers scar over for revisitation

The raised resuscitations of whimpering memory

Scars are legacy.

And I am nothing

Nothing and a q/hero:

So I keep on keeping along

Floating down the river

Trying to find the strategy

In a swift paddle move here and there

To graciously kiss the space between

Myself and jagged rock

And love the river

And surrender to the jetting stream

And open myself up

To the deep dull sadness

And explosive almost violent joy

That is caught in every swing

Of river bend and

Paddle sweep.

I am River

I am Bird

I am Marval,

Marvel of neux-ness

Of spiralling presence that

Announces full and bright

“I am Now”

I am Now

I am here Now

I am here Now Doing

I am Myself here Now Doing

I am Myself here Now Doing and I’m Busy

Busy empowering and supporting

Myself and others

And surrendering

To this wild wild ride.

What a Long Strange Trip It’s Been.

Top Surgery Health Regimen :)

So, what about me? Although Top Surgery has been a recent reality for me, there is much about how I prepared for and healed from it that reveals time-tested aspects (neuroses?) of who I am.

I am a foodie.
I am a herbally-inclined magician.
I am a meditating monkey.
I am into natural, gentle methods of health. 
I am into looking and feeling handsome.

Basically, I'm sort of like what my brother calls me, a "hippie". I like to look at it as boho-queerhippie-sheik. Words... even when we produce them ourselves, they are often too light; never fully expressing the dense reality we live in.

What did I do to prepare for top surgery? I did research and I consulted my herbalist friends. Now, many of you reading this actually have access to an herbalist. In most big/medium sized cities in the US there is usually at least 1 herbal practitioner. In my home state of Utah there is one and she is very very good! Utah I know! So, look one up in your area if you're interested. Or, more conveniently, just reference this article.

**Most of these herbs/supplements can be found at a large convenience store, like Safeway, Target etc.

**I am not a certified doctor/medical practitioner. (That being said, Our bodies can be the best doctors.)


Alright, Here is what my herbalist friend recommended:


THE BASICS:

Begin taking Milk Thistle immediately (one of our best liver tonics, and works best in food or capsule form.) This basically cleanses the liver which helps two fold: for those on Testosterone therapy and for cleansing the toxins accumulated after surgery. Pain meds (Percocet, Codine etc.) will toxify the body, so milk thistle is an excellent cleanser for pain-med damage.

 Increase fiber, protein (100g/day), fresh fruits and vegetables, and probiotics

◦  Focus on colorful foods and quality proteins- pastured eggs, poultry, wild fish, nuts

 Increase water intake- 3 quarts/day pre and post surgery

 Zinc supplement 

◦ Most of us are deficient in zinc.  Lots of research shows how Zinc reduces wound

healing time, supports immune function, and helps ward off infection post surgery

◦ Dose : 60 mg of available elemental zinc/day. Amino-chelated is best absorbed or

Zinc sulfate tablets (cheaper) 220 mg, 2X/day. 2 weeks before, 4-6 weeks after

surgery.

 Vitamin C supplement, 4-6 g/day, or eat lots of berries, 2 weeks before, 4-6 weeks

after

◦ Foods high in Vit C: fresh green peppers, berries, citrus, leafy greens & sprouted

grains

 Vitamin A supplement, 10,000 IU/day, 2 weeks before, 4-6 weeks after surgery

◦ reduce amount to 5,000 IU if continuing supplementation after this time frame

◦ Foods high in Vit A: liver,  fish liver oils, egg yolks, leafy greens, broccoli, seaweed,

carrots, sweet potatoes, and yellow-orange fruits and vegetables

 Magnesium supplement (to lower stress and relax) 

Milk Thistle! Just hanging out, being a helpful herb.

ALSO (Pro scar tip): Zinc and Vitamin C are known to help minimize scarring!


FOOD:

Increase protein (100g/day) to assist tissue and collagen repair

 For at least 6 weeks focus on these foods-

bone broth, shitakes,  pastured eggs, wild caught fish,  berries, raw green/red peppers, steamed greens, seaweed, soaked sunflower seeds and pumpkin seeds, sweet potatoes, fresh juices and smoothies, miso, carrots, broccoli, citrus, and sauerkraut 

◦ We want the antioxidants, Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Vitamin E, Essential Fatty Acids,
B-vitamins, Zinc, minerals, probiotics, protein, and enzymes out of these foods, if
you want to increase healing time and don't want to take supplements, eat these
foods :)

I personally cut out refined carbs almost entirely post surgery. My body told me No. So I listened. I craved a beer at 3 1/2 weeks post op, but luckily(?) for me the store didn't have gluten-free beer.

BONE BROTH: highly recommend. Collagen repair, ie. speeds healing time, reduces scars. 

CONSTIPATION/NAUSEA:

Constipation- side effect from Morphine and other Narcotic Pain medications

 Try a gentle laxative like ground Flax seed soaked, oatmeal, prune juice, or soaked

or Marshmallow root powder

 Next try an increase in your Magnesium supplement

 Next try Smooth Move tea from Traditional Medicinals

 Avoid strong laxatives, as they can cause straining

Nausea-side effect from pain killers and trauma from surgery

 Ginger or Peppermint tea

 Peppermint Spirits tincture (by Herb Pharm at the Coop, very effective)

 Cannabis- most effective :) *caution with pain medications


Pro Tip: get a LAXATIVE. For real. I used colace (stool softener) and Smooth Move tea. Do not over do it on the Smooth Move tea, its powerful. Like, don't double bag it.

PAIN:

Us Humans, we don't like pain. It hurts.

 I was prescribed Percocet, it worked just fine for Day 1 and 2. 
After that I switched to Cannabis.

 If you have access to it and it doesn't make you feel super anxious, I recommend it. Especially high quality cannabis oil, and Indica concentrates in capsule form. Trust me, cannabis cures cancer. It aids in nausea, sleep and pain during recovery.

I must say though, it does cause sensory intake to be heightened. You will feel your incisions...so if you aren't into that level of bodily awareness, perhaps reconsider.


TOPICAL TREATMENT (After incisions close up):

 Apply an oil infusion of St. John's wort and Calendula with Vitamin E to encourage

healing and help with shooting nerve pain as soon as incisions are closed.

 Effective herbs for reducing scarring: Rosehip seed oil, Helichyrisem essential oil

I am personally using a three fold system: 

I am using a nerve salve (to regain sensation): St John's Wort, Prickly Bark, Beeswax, Helichyrisem, rosemary, wintergreen.

I was given (as a sponsor type gift) a powerful scar cream that contains: calendula, tea tree, sard(?), carrot, wheat germ, clorophyll, azurite, arnica, gingko, aloe vera, SHARK cartilage, EMU oil, vitamin A, D3, E, F, C, onion extract, epithelial growth factor. Just. Woah.            

Target scar strips (silicone) check out Micah's bit about scar strips @ neutrois.me

3 weeks post op, chock full of herbs^

Before Leaving the Hospital make sure You know- Checklist:

 How to care for your wound at home

 What to look for that might need attention right away

 Who to call with questions and problems

 What your activity limits are

 Other restrictions- related to pain medication, diet, etc

 What medications to take and when to take them

 When you need to come in again


Get cozy, make a fort of pillows, have your herbs ready, and pull out the Sudoku puzzles.




I do hope this was helpful in any way.

Q's? : facebook.com/marvalartking


BEST OF LUCK FELLOW GENDER ADVENTURERS!!!!

with Love, <3

Marval A Rex

Link to another article on Weed and Transition

It's been a green month! Here's an older article of yours truly, from Northern California's Emerald Magazine:

http://theemeraldmagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/Transitioning.pdf

Marijuana... and Top Surgery

Oh yes, marijuana. Weed, grass, tea, ganja, mamaganja, cannabis.

On the cusp of her national legalization, and my gender-confirming surgery, I am lucky to have her help. . .

Its been almost three weeks post-op for me. I'm feeling great.

Here's how weed entered the picture:

One of my main concerns before I went ahead and got Top Surgery (ie. double mastectomy with chest masculinization) was allopathic pain meds. Many people struggle with pain meds, such as Percocet, Codine, Hydrocodine, Oxycontin etc. I have never dealt with the addictive lure of these medicines, but I was aware that they slowed recovery and prolonged healing time. And, being the New-Age magician that I am, I am wary of foreign invaders meant to "numb my pain" but not really help me heal all too well.

The goodie bag I got from The Growing Kitchen in Boulder, Co.!! 

Fortunately, I had the grand synchronicity that my surgery was in Colorado. And in Colorado, weed is legal. (Note: I chose the surgeon because they are phenomenal, not because "Colo" has the green.) Regardless, I am not a frequent smoker and was far more interested in medical marijuana, which falls under the category of "alternative medicine". I am a big fan of alternative medicine, which is really ANCIENT legacies of wisdom concerning optimal health, from before the Industrial Revolution and Modern Science. Herbal remedies and other ancient medicine practices have stood the test of time, even if the West won't quite acknowledge it yet. Cannabis, which is both a term for the plant itself as well as the elegant healing compounds inside, is a powerhouse healing plant. These compounds are powerful in their healing ability. They're called cannabinoids, and are also known as CBD's. They cure cancer. Among other things.

I figured it couldn't hurt to supplement my healing regimen for top surgery with some ancient plant medicine. This mage is down with the herbal remedies!

Me being cute, 1 week post op. 

I was forwarded to a local, organic cannabis company in Boulder, Co from my friend Sharon Letts whom I'll refer to as "the Florence Nightingale of weed". There I met Brooke Wise, the owner and guru of The Growing Kitchen. Brooke was incredibly welcoming and smart as a whip. She gave us the grand tour of the facility where they bake and create all the delicious goods, tinctures, capsules, salves and candies made with that special (not secret) green ingredient. The tour was excellent and the atmosphere was clean and professional. Brooke is ahead of the whole legal-weed business, and I have no doubt TGK will flourish and change the world's view of green medicine and business.

Basically, Brooke is awesome. She gave me a goodie bag of her products for being a brave young lad who got his boobs plopped off in an act of solidarity with his authentic self. (Not her words, mine.) In it were a variety of treats for "ingesting" or eating cannabis. I received Peace Pain Pills, which were the most important in the goodie bag for my first bout of recovery time. Other items included calming lozenges, two edibles, and a mouth spray infused with weed.

Let me tell you all: I was off the Percocet they prescribed me in 2 days.

And I felt minimal pain after that, because I was taking capsules of high concentrate weed for pain management. IMPORTANT: I did not mix Percocet with the weed pain pills. There are always possible contraindications, so best not to mix while recovering. Once I felt the pain was manageable, I switched to the weed pills and never went back to those powerful allopathic opiates.

I absolutely recommend medical marijuana in recovery from any surgery. Top surgery was no exception. It stimulated my bowels (surgical anesthesia causes constipation), lowered my pain, helped me sleep, and the dry-mouth made me drink tons of water. Drinking lots of water after surgery is an excellent idea while your body detoxifies. Two green thumbs up.        

I was thoroughly impressed with the quality and the effectiveness of TGK's products. They not only work to relieve pain but also improve my mood while I recover. And they are delicious!
To keep up with this revolutionary healing company, check out their website at: 

http://www.thegrowingkitchen.org/        

So, would I recommend taking in some form of weed while recovering from top surgery or any kind of surgery? Yes! If you have access to it, consider it. I will admit I was glad to have Percocet the first two nights, but after that I was glad to be off of it. Transitioning into taking the weed pills was a smooth and painless feat. And I feel like I recovered faster for it-- I was enthusiastic and ready to go on substantial walks by day 4 of post op. Fabulous!



Any Q's? Ask them here or email me at mavarex2@gmail.com




**All bodies are different and I have no doctoral licensure to give out medical advice. This is just what worked for me and its possible it could work for you too. As an side, it is not possible to overdose on cannabis.


AND! In my next post I will provide a succinct list of steps I took so I could heal from top surgery quickly and efficiently. 

      

Top Surgery LOG: Final Days of the First Week

Post Op Day 6

  Post Operative Day 8:

   It is beyond a week that I live without the prominence of two mounds of flesh for me to carry. I live with a renewed sense of weightlessness, one that well-cared-for children tend to exhibit daily. I am a well-cared-for child that I’ve had to raise myself, from one life to the next. This is my next life, both a deviation from and a continuation of what has passed. I revel in the brave innocence I’ve taken like a tonic, the liquid filling in the cracks of my opened wound. I understand and care for the prayer that has left its mark on my visage to the world, spoken in the shape of a broken smile. The scars that mark my journey enter me, with willingness or without, into the family of others who have taken this road of roads.

I see the genius in all of our unique gender adventures. How perfect and brilliant it is that we as gender fuckers exist with a ringing vivacity. That we demand to be recognized as all beings should. That we with our heart’s leadership create space for all others to live in their truth. This genius I celebrate with a fierceness birthed by the untenable immersion into the death of my old self. The sensations of death do not have to take the body with it, for the body is held together by invisible strands. Each day there is a weaving. As quiet as the small animal in the brush at dawn, the new self emerges and fastens the body anew.

Top Surgery LOG Day 4 and 5

Post Operative Day 4: Easing into It  

Ease in Being Injured

I’m easily tired as I recover. However, I feel more alert each passing day. I had my drains pulled on Monday which makes three solid days and nights with drains in. I feel (again!) absolutely reborn without the blood bags dingle-dangling off of me. My pain has decreased so much so that I’m off the percocet, I’ve experienced no nausea, no dysphoria, and no post-breastum depression. It has been an incredibly smooth and easy ride for this sleeping phoenix (as I often call myself). I feel humbled in this expansive and dearly grateful way. One of my greatest meditations the two weeks before top surgery was to surrender to the amount of help I would need at the most basic level. Eating food. Sitting up. Wiping my butt. Yes, Megan wipes my butt. And I am mostly graceful in my ability to accept her essential help. Thank you, Meg.

Allowing oneself to be helped by others can prove difficult, as I’ve discovered with myself. It is this inability to receive that points to an imbalance within our internal world. It is a fear of losing control. The whole paradoxical reality about transitioning is that you must give up all control, all you’ve ever known to be true, unleash all the pain you’ve kept inside--to bob up on the shore, reborn,  more-whole and shining with evolving self-assurance. You can argue against it being a spiritual experience. I will kindly disagree. I believe everything drenched in raw urgency  towards Self speaks to a spiritual something.

Image: my chest 4 days post op by Dr. Steinwald

Post Op Day 5:

   Today was simple and easy and my mood is bright like the plastic tunnels of LED lights that brand the street below the flat. I made love with Meg, which is interesting to navigate when one receives major surgery just four days prior. We did just fine and reveled in the sunshine-stained fabric of this strange winter.

In my soul it is spring. I am reveling in the novelty of this post-boob world. I am at once a very old man (I finished two ½ sudoku puzzles the eve before) and a bright young baby aeon, heralding the new race of genderless folks to come. I feel incredible. It can only be known by those who experience it: the reclamation. When a part of our queer body is reclaimed, made to match more with our internal chemistry, there is a profound and bittersweet relief. Mostly sweet, but I am an artist and I sure do like it bitter too. I find it sweet because it’s a monumental moment to rejoice! Rejoice! I rejoice, for living my life as an affront to a collective schizophrenia that demands brand-named normalcy. We are a species so essentially diverse! What is this “normal”? It, whatever it is, has wreaked havoc on our psyches. And it is through self-reclamation, individuation, and respect of others’ individuation that we may combat this troublesome trend of twos: Us vs Them, Male vs Female, White vs Brown, Rich vs Poor etc. etc. etc.

Top surgery has been an unquestionable (although I did question it) necessity for me on my journey to self-individuation. I can relax into the deeper work I must do with my psyche because this external reality I toy with has been, well, toyed with. Some people buy themselves cars, I bought myself no-boobs. The price is comparable.

Could I have individuated without top surgery? Well, I’m not sure I could have (and perhaps hypotheticals for alternative realities is not too useful). Here, let me try anyway:

My life would have been different. I would have navigated around my inner and outer worlds in a different manner. When I touch into my true voice about this, it tells me I’d live a life forever somewhat uncomfortable in my body. Because even now, in this reality, I spent a decade living with breasts (and a gender assignment) I tried to accept. I diluted my inner voice with all kinds of bullshit, be it church, state or MTV. I fumbled about, trying to accept my body and secure my “cis privilege”. Nope. Did not work. I even dived into some New Age hippie mentality (which can remain just as dangerous as orthodox religions if you don’t pay attention) that one’s body is a temple and thus one should not defame it. I clung to whatever information kept me from the soft parts of myself: the wounded animals that breathed heavy on the floor of my internal wilderness. I strained to live with syrup-sweet ignorance until I got a toothache that later pierced my brain with unsettling clarity. I was about to take action on a secret I had been uneasy with for a long time: I have all the makings of a leader, but I am not a leader like they’ve seen before. I am 3 parts angel 3 parts mutant and 3 parts archetypal human. I am here to lead with the heart. Revolution #9.