Thursday, February 19, 2015

Blue Neux Moon

Blue Lips,
Blue Veins,
Blue, the color of our planet from far far away.

I touch in with here and now. Blue lips, mine are especially cherry in the light of the computer lens. A subterranean sight flickers before me. That of my feminine.

Outside, the normal neighbor culls the garbage can to the curb.

Blue, the most human color.

I've been listening to Regina Spektor, who I feel sings songs for herself to hear--she spreads her lips for her own sheer pleasure. I want to write like that, make my art like that. For my own sheer pleasure.

It's morning time, the 19th of February. My personality was birthed in a couple days, rebirthed.
I feel aloneness once again. Which is remarkable, scary, sweet.
Change is a complex task for a rainbowarrior to take in, relax into, transmute within. Internal alchemy.

I am so thankful for the music. I am deeply thankful for the music which helps buffer the anguish of my soul, and inspire my journey henceforth.

I will be okay. It is something I must develop for myself, my confidence in aloneness, in the hurt, in the muddiness of all the change.

Now I see how perfectionism has held me back, as well as the conditioned beliefs of my youth. With all of this inside my body I am ready to look at it, let go and grow. I want to be not something that has come before, but I know to become myself.

A two-spirited, queer phoenix dark elf. So deeply true and light in all my shadow. Full of abundance and love. A sharp and penetrative old medicine man and a "dumb-fucked foolish" baby.

Blue, the most human color.

I am ready to go to the show.
In love and magic.


Friday, February 6, 2015

Tyme time and t-ime again

So, here I be.
Its day four of t therapy.
I say yay for me.

Changes thus far... (all particularly subtle as i am on a low low low dose yo, 25mg/week)

body temperature increased subtly
pee smells a bit different, especially right after shot
I sweat more, possibly
I am so much more I'm in the desert... and this humboldt county
I am noticeably more calm

****ps. for those ftm peeps who suffer from gnarly PMS, like I do/did, starting on a low dose every week was a goddess-send for me, a particularly good choice. My T level went up in a much gentler cycle I believe than if i'd started with 50mg/biweekly. i can't even fathom 100mg biweekly to start off with. Cray.

Spiritually and psychologically I do feel, like I said, calmer, more composed. Even more thoughtful about when to speak or not....and not always feeling the need to speak. It's only been four days but I pay a lot of attention to myself now.
I have moments where the unknown future about what I will look like/how I will be feels slightly scary and my more rational side is like, "what're you doing?"
This question doesn't scare me, as I know full-heartedly I am on the Path that is Mine. But it is good to note. Beginnings are always a tad awkward and the Libra in me wants balance.

Spiritually I feel enlivened, like I am on an adventure. I can't help but think of Link from Zelda, Ocarina of Time. I just left Kokiri village and am off into the big wide world of authentic self. Interacting with others is generally smoother, I am more confident but not egomaniacal. I enjoy my body, moving it. The dysphoria is real when I see the femininity of it, but I know in good time it will all balance out and synchronize.

Thank goddess for HRT and transgender health. I am so blessed.

 Love love love!


Thursday, February 5, 2015

February fifth, T minus 3 Daze

I am thankful for this meal. For this meal I am thank full, thank you, meal. Thank you bodice. I am in utter awe. Grief is a celebration of life. I am stricken.
I am mounted. Stigmata written on my leg, where the first of magic entered. I mark blood on the journey to reclaim my lingam, my phallic sensibilities, to transform any known understanding of the latter into a deviled and foolish thing; my own physicality itself a burden to the eyes of the Otherized who cannot see.

But right in front of you, I will force your head. Gentle gentle gentle. With the terrifying power of unconditional devotion, Love, agape, I will force your chin upwards, downwards, both ways to upend the daze. Perhaps I feel the martyr encoded within me rise up and take you all on. It is just mechanics, design, I am just a building going my way. "And young And naive And And And martyrdom." I am just a building, up in flames, to rebuild again.

This small- handful of days where the magic has crept into my bloodstream, I know I am now, talon by talon, through the doorway. The doorway to where I meet all of you, to burn baby burn with you, for you, at you. I am a monkey, watch me dance. And all that jazz.

But narcissistic devotations aside, I realize. I come into awareness, into realization. I am doing the best for myself, and that has been the greatest challenge thus far. I have always done the best for others, and now I am doing the best for myself. And my life has changed. My life is change. Stigmata on my leg, and I am a phoenix who must die to wake up, and wake up to die.
What a wonderful life.