Friday, November 28, 2014

In memorium of Leslie Feinberg

 Feinberg’s writing and lived example

taught me that my masculine leanings

weren’t things I should hide or be

ashamed of, that gender wasn’t

something I was, but something I could

choose to do, however I wanted.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Writings A'Neux

This is such a sly coming out, so tender, the way my watery parts are. This is the first time in a long while I've posted my own written ramblings and spoken broken binary code truths. 

I’m transgender.

But really, I am just myself.

There is this impulse to label oneself so that society may read you and feel safe or threatened or whatever intricacies the label may invoke.

I’m just myself, just! And infinity and beyond!

I am dear and darling human, and I am bald and imblanaced and laugh and make art, I am all the favorite things about us humans.

I also have socially transitioned from one gender to another, according to the binary.

For me, I have always been queer, have never been one gender, and now look to explore the places where they conditioned me not to go. I am now exploring the ways that I have felt and not expressed.

 I am learning my foundation, which feels stunted. I am re-learning myself.
And I have to go through a second puberty to boot.

I’m transgender, but really
I’m pangender.

I am a slight mutation, and now I have to place a word above and over my mutation.

But I am do-doing, being myself one day at a time.

The hardest part is social transitioning. Being patient with others when you feel so damn incredibly uncomfortable. When you want to hide because you feel like a freak, like the phantom of the opera and all male bodies as the knights in shining armor.

Social transition involves time passing, patience, asking people to call you by your new name/pronouns, talking others through it, awaiting their responses with courageous stoicism, and a lot of time passing and patience.

It involves a level of almost unreal, insane perseverance. Its when you know of no other option do you transition. When you realize transitioning is the key to every door of struggle and the light to all the dark places within yourself. When you realize you have been escaping your gender your whole life and you need to take a breath and land. Then do you consider a change. It is a change at the roots of your tree.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Transmasculine: a definition

Transmasculine is a term used to describe those who were assigned female at birth, but identify as more male than female. Transmasculine is often used as a catch-all term for all people assigned female at birth who identify as masculine of center, including trans men, but the adoption of the term as an identity is a matter of personal preference. 

Those who identify as transmasculine, as opposed to simply as FTM or a man, trans or otherwise, often place themselves masculine of center- that is, they identify more closely with maleness than femaleness, and generally desire a physical appearance that reflects this identification, but do not identify as wholly male or as a man. 

This identity is similar to that of a demiguy in that demiguys often identify with maleness or masculinity, but only partially. It should be noted that transmasculine is not a descriptor of gender expression but of identity. Transmasculine people do not necessarily have to be stereotypically masculine in their interests or even presentation.

quad self?

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Queer Squared, Circular-ish

I'm a male-based genderqueer.

"It's like my gender fluidity is some kind of "travel" I go through in a motion, but it always starts and ends with male. "

Monday, September 29, 2014


We use “FTM” as shorthand for a spectrum that includes not just transsexuals, but anyone
who was assigned “female” at birth and who identifies as male, masculine, or a man some or all of the time. Some non-transsexuals in the FTM spectrum (androgynous people, butches, drag kings, bi-gender and multi-gender people, etc.) may also want hormone therapy, and

may not identify or live as men. For this reason we use the term FTM instead of “trans men”.

Friday, September 26, 2014

I like This, These, Theez

  • dsab = designated sex at birth
  • a man can be femme if he damn well wants, regardless of his dsab
  • a woman can be butch if she damn well wants, regardless of her dsab
  • nonbinary folks can be as butch or femme as they damn well want, regardless of their dsab
Any person can:
  • be butch
  • be femme
  • be androgynous
  • genderfuck
  • participate in drag
  • present in ways that are deemed “acceptable” for their gender by cissexist fucks
  • present in ways that are deemed “unacceptable” for their gender by cissexist fucks
  • define the words that are appropriate for their own body (some clits are six inches long, some cocks are just a couple centimeters long if that - deal with it)
  • change any part of their own body however the fuck they want as often as they want (minus culturally appropriative shit or outright oppressive shit - appropriative body mods and racist tattoos aren’t okay no matter who you are)
  • have whatever fucking gender(s) they want (or no gender at all)
  • define their gender and presentation in whatever way they want
  • consensually fuck people with whatever gender(s) they want as long (or not fuck anyone at all)
  • define their sexuality (or lack thereof) however the fuck they want, even if there are occasionally or frequently exceptions to their identified preference
  • have an identity that is as fluid or static as they like
  • disclose or withhold their gender or sexual identity and history as they see fit
  • disclose or withhold information about their body and its history as they see fit as long (as long as withholding that information isn’t a direct physical harm to others)
  • decide for themselves whether or not their gender and sexuality is inherent or “born that way”
  • do any or all of these things at any time, for any reason, regardless of dsab
Why is this so fucking hard? I’m done with binarist, homophobic Trans 101 bullshit that completely misses the mark and just reinforces cissexism.
Fuck your identity policing, fuck your binaries, fuck your bullshit anatomy diagrams trying to tell me the cis-correct words for my own fucking body.
I define my own reality. I define my own body. I define my own identity. Fuck any motherfucker who tries getting in my way of that ever again.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Avalon Blonde Gona

"My definition of a devil is a god who has not been recognized."
        ~mythologist Joseph Campbell.

"It is a power in you to which you have not given expression, and you push it back. And then, like all repressed energy, it builds up and becomes dangerous to the position you're trying to hold."

Do you agree, Pisces? I hope so, because you will soon be entering the Get Better Acquainted with Your Devil Phase of your astrological cycle, to be immediately followed by the Transform Your Devil into a God Phase.

To get the party started, ask yourself this question:     What is the power in you to which you have not given expression?

Sunday, September 7, 2014

All the Words Protrude from Flat Earth

This is important Because Me:

For a lot of people who identify as genderqueer, their gender identity – and the way they express it – continues to evolve for a number of years. This includes clothes, pronouns, name, physical transition, medical transition, and other stuff. It’s not necessarily that genderqueer people are confused, it’s just that discovering who you know yourself to be can be a long process, which often involves unlearning years of what we thought we were supposed to be.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

We are All, All, and All Alone!

We all have 64 gates and 9 centers, the lack of definition is where we are open.


Tuesday, July 1, 2014

And the Neux nUEX Comes...

"The Gene Keys are a genetic mapping system that delineates each of the sixty-four DNA codons as a pathway to enlightenment. The work is based on the hexagrams of the I Ching, and informed by a fat dose of Human Design..."

The goal of the Gene Keys is first to deprogram your DNA of all its low frequency patterns (the Shadows), then reprogram your cells with the higher frequency patterns of your genius (the Gifts and the Siddhis).

                                                                         Go to:


Friday, May 30, 2014

A Butch Comes Out to Them-self

"As a butch person, I battle my actual desires,
and the desires I feel imposed on me as a result of social expectations."

There are words for it, although none of them add up to the actual sensation of it when you know it’s burning in your pulse: Swagger.
Although we’ve now reduced that to “swag.”
It’s that tie-straightening and sunglass removal feeling. It feels distinctly masculine, because men can navigate whatever space they want and feel entitled to it.

Entitlement breeds confidence, and confidence breeds swagger.
I like the feeling of being attracted to all those beautiful girls on the street, but I know that the structure of our society assigns power to those who objectify the bodies of feminine beings, and then I’m not sure what feeling it is I enjoy.




Thursday, May 22, 2014

Integral Human Design: some notes

 Notes for a certain Sleeping Phoenix:

3 / 5 The way of Rebellion - Flexibility based on Adaptness / Realistic Attainment based on Clarity

55 / 39 Romance - Use of obstruction as opportunity for the release of emotional abundance;
                              in the stream of: Creativity

For humanity, the ESSENCE of Emotion supports us in feeling and developing serenity, empathy and compassion.
In your case, the field of Emotion is clearly defined by at least one of your specializations. You experience yourself and others through the filter of your specific emotional awareness, and you have a particular way of moving through your emotions.
Your STRENGTH here lies in the depth and breadth of your own emotional landscape, which enables you to experience and understand
(over a period of time) your own multi-faceted emotional nature, as well as the deep complexities of other beings and things.
With regard to Emotion, your LEARNING CHALLENGE is to responsibly deal with the fullness, intensity and depth of your own emotional life. One of your greatest life lessons is to accept the fact that it takes time for emotional turbulence to subside, and for a clear, unobstructed view to return.
STRESS FACTORS: i.e. being pressured to make a decision, a lack of space/time/contact for processing emotions, an accumulation of emotional triggers. 
POSSIBLE STRESS SYMPTOMS: decision-making paralysis, incessant emotional turbulence, excessive perspiration, emotional overcharge -- potentially showing up in the form of helplessness, violence, aggression, and/or a need for over-justification.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Aristocracy of the Solar Plexus

" 'All that has dark sounds has duende.’

And there’s no deeper truth than that."

          Those dark sounds are the mystery, the roots that cling to the mire that we all know, that we all ignore, but from which comes the very substance of art. 

‘Dark sounds’ said the man of the Spanish people, agreeing with Goethe, who in speaking of Paganini hit on a definition of the duende: ‘A mysterious force that everyone feels and no philosopher has explained.’

  So, then, the duende is a force not a labour, a struggle not a thought.

 I heard an old maestro of the guitar say: ‘The duende is not in the throat: the duende surges up, inside, from the soles of the feet.’ Meaning, it’s not a question of skill, but of a style that is truly alive: meaning, it’s in the veins: meaning, it belongs to the most ancient culture of immediate creation.

Angel and Muse come from outside us: the angel brings light, the Muse form (Hesiod learnt from her). Golden bread or fold of tunic, it is her norm that the poet receives in his laurel grove… while the duende has to be roused from the furthest habitations of the blood.

Reject the angel.  Give the Muse a kick and conquer his awe of the scent of violets that eighteenth century poetry breathes out, and of the great telescope in whose lenses the Muse, made ill by limitation, sleeps.

The true struggle is with the duende.

Monday, April 28, 2014


" There is fire in my eyes and water in my heart. 

Do you want a drink? 
Or a spark? "

~ Al-Shareef Al Radhiy

Monday, March 17, 2014

Wisdom of Trajectories

7 centered pain
is the pain of being numb, of stoicism, the pain of being a sheep, the pain of being competitive, the pain that comes from how mental decision making meets resistance. . .

9 centered pain
is the pain of waking up, like when you get pins and needles as the circulation comes back.
It's also the sweet pain of connecting with how it hurts to not love your uniqueness.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Lunar Node Knows

My north and south nodes...the nodes of the moon.
Great insight, and inspirational remembering.

With North Node in Capricorn, our South Node is in Cancer. With North Node in the tenth house, our South Node is in the fourth house.

A tendency to be overly attached to our childhood and past, to be dependent on others and avoid accepting responsibility for our lives, to fear rejection to an extreme thereby missing opportunities, and to be overly focused on emotional problems are some of the issues this position suggests. With this position, we need to take charge of our lives and accept responsibility for our actions. We may too easily blame our past or focus on our insecurities and emotional difficulties instead of moving forward and learning to depend on ourselves. We want to feel secure more than anything, but security can only come once we let go of our dependencies and carve out a life that reflects a true feeling of responsibility to ourselves as well as to others. We are more aware of our emotions than most people, but in order to grow, we must learn to strike a balance between sensitivity and responsibility. We cannot use our sensitivity as a crutch, although we may spend the first half of our life trying to do so! Recognition will come, at some point in our journey, that clinging to the comforts of childhood will in fact hold us back from achieving a comfortable future! By defining solid goals and a mature direction in our lives, as well as letting go of some of our over-attachment to our childhood, we will be able to achieve the financial and emotional security that we so crave.

Find out yours at



Monday, March 3, 2014

The Double Cross Penetrates

~~~~~~~~ what is coming together in my subconscious

To see a telephone pole in your dream symbolizes some spiritual communication. If you see a row of telephone poles, then it represents your connections to others. 

The Cross of Lorraine consists of one vertical and two evenly spaced horizontal bars. It is a heraldic cross, used by the Dukes of Lorraine. This cross is related to the Crusader's cross, and the six globes of the Medici family.

The Lorraine cross was carried to the Crusades by the original Knights Templar, granted to them for their use by the Patriarch of Jerusalem.[2][3]
In the Catholic Church, an equal-armed Lorraine Cross denotes the office of archbishop.

King of the World.
Duke of Lorraine, Knights Templar, Jesus Christo.

 The Mystery is ever present,
we can indulge, or not, 
in joy and in the suffer.



Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Marvel at It: the martyr heretiq

"In its blood is the potential, through the fifth line unconscious, to universalize. However, not prepared for the other, it is often naive in its assumptions. The third line personality is a theme of trial and error. Any attempt to universalize out of the subjective is bound to meet resistance."

The description of my life path, my train tracks. Let the vehicle be, so that it may efficiently blast the trumpets of the angels! The 3/5 profile in human design.


Thursday, February 13, 2014

Artworks of mine

Some of the 2013 ceramiq work 

Titled Self Portrait or Virgin Mare



Dreams 2/12/14

I must be having these dreams. The experience of the male hand thrust down upon me. There is the anger, the elimination of anything just; the profound beauty is in my seeking for balance. And in the way the masculine both seduces me and tempts me to be at its side, I am in rage as to its condition here and now, I am enraged by the sexy suspension that I am here in this body to mutate. Once was never the same for me. I am a rainbowarrior, and I am embodied to redefine the notion of masculine and-or feminine. The brain is rendered useless, as my existence and fractal path are evidence that the mutation is not a doing, but a being. I am by my very nature a mutant…and yet the irony lies in the truth that I am only deemed mutant by comparison…that those who I am mutating from are themselves mutants of yore.  Alas, here I am, having dreams of men coming down upon me, waving the small flaccid authority that appears as snake but is not deadly, rather slowly poisoning. And yet, forgive them, for they know not what they do.

Desire. Desirousness. The dynamic which all bagged flash cannot escape. The dynamic. The irrefutable web of energy that holds us in like the catchings of striking arachnids. 

The mutation begins slowly. Go slowly. To me.

The mutation begins slowly. It begins with trials, hardships, a few paint dribblings. You as a mutant have to be normal enough or feign normal enough to not push the boundary and find yourself in death. Therefore, the war rages on inside of you, the death that would have come from outside of you if not for your prime feigning is now an ultimate death inside the viscera. The growing void is the worst kind of pain, the sensation that is beyond sensation, it is the rotting of death hidden inside life.  

The fecundity though! The obsidian soils that permeate the young rainbowarrior’s saddened state, the state that refuses pity all at once but not honestly! The dejected and elusively desperate response that the inside death elicits. All one wants to do is hide, after the long day of work in this standardized state. Easy and standardized and life consuming…. The death of the walking is.

But alas, it is through one’s prime gift, their all seeing eye, their very own looking glass, that one may begin to see all there is to See! And the seeing is movement! The seeing is just a cerebral and visceral cataloging of a change made of Mysterious strength, of abundance. And the movement is the freedoming we many are seeking. And underneath this seeking, holding this seeking up, there is much work to be done. There is much work to be done.

To come home to our selves, our gifts, our siddhis, and to love one another, love another… and recognize that our love for another, for others, is our love for ourmanyselves.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Sex on the Mind/Solar plexus

Of course I am sexually provocative, my very embodiment here shall redefine sexuality and the notion of 'gender' forever.


Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Humminbird A'Neux Aeon

Welcome year of the horse and much more, no less....
This marks a new beginning.  The sacred vessel is cast and used in great ceremonies that inaugurate a new dynasty.  

This is a stable robust foundation for a new life and also the vessel or crucible where you can expect to be transformed and remade.



Sunday, January 12, 2014

The Year in Neptune Nupitals a'Neux

What a Tripp. Tap in and spiral ride that torus home!
Neptune conjunct for a whole year, this 2014.
Artists and musicians tend to handle this transit quite well if they don’t have a day job. They can lock themselves away for a whole year, converse with their higher-self out loud without being called an idiot and come out with a ground breaking exhibition or poetic new album.