Blue Neux Moon

Blue Lips,
Blue Veins,
Blue, the color of our planet from far far away.


I touch in with here and now. Blue lips, mine are especially cherry in the light of the computer lens. A subterranean sight flickers before me. That of my feminine.

Outside, the normal neighbor culls the garbage can to the curb.

Blue, the most human color.


I've been listening to Regina Spektor, who I feel sings songs for herself to hear--she spreads her lips for her own sheer pleasure. I want to write like that, make my art like that. For my own sheer pleasure.

It's morning time, the 19th of February. My personality was birthed in a couple days, rebirthed.
I feel aloneness once again. Which is remarkable, scary, sweet.
Change is a complex task for a rainbowarrior to take in, relax into, transmute within. Internal alchemy.

I am so thankful for the music. I am deeply thankful for the music which helps buffer the anguish of my soul, and inspire my journey henceforth.

I will be okay. It is something I must develop for myself, my confidence in aloneness, in the hurt, in the muddiness of all the change.

Now I see how perfectionism has held me back, as well as the conditioned beliefs of my youth. With all of this inside my body I am ready to look at it, let go and grow. I want to be not something that has come before, but I know to become myself.

A two-spirited, queer phoenix dark elf. So deeply true and light in all my shadow. Full of abundance and love. A sharp and penetrative old medicine man and a "dumb-fucked foolish" baby.

Blue, the most human color.


I am ready to go to the show.
In love and magic.

M`A`R

Tyme time and t-ime again

So, here I be.
Its day four of t therapy.
I say yay for me.

Changes thus far... (all particularly subtle as i am on a low low low dose yo, 25mg/week)

body temperature increased subtly
pee smells a bit different, especially right after shot
I sweat more, possibly
I am so much more thirsty....like I'm in the desert... and this humboldt county
I am noticeably more calm


****ps. for those ftm peeps who suffer from gnarly PMS, like I do/did, starting on a low dose every week was a goddess-send for me, a particularly good choice. My T level went up in a much gentler cycle I believe than if i'd started with 50mg/biweekly. i can't even fathom 100mg biweekly to start off with. Cray.

Spiritually and psychologically I do feel, like I said, calmer, more composed. Even more thoughtful about when to speak or not....and not always feeling the need to speak. It's only been four days but I pay a lot of attention to myself now.
I have moments where the unknown future about what I will look like/how I will be feels slightly scary and my more rational side is like, "what're you doing?"
This question doesn't scare me, as I know full-heartedly I am on the Path that is Mine. But it is good to note. Beginnings are always a tad awkward and the Libra in me wants balance.

Spiritually I feel enlivened, like I am on an adventure. I can't help but think of Link from Zelda, Ocarina of Time. I just left Kokiri village and am off into the big wide world of authentic self. Interacting with others is generally smoother, I am more confident but not egomaniacal. I enjoy my body, moving it. The dysphoria is real when I see the femininity of it, but I know in good time it will all balance out and synchronize.

Thank goddess for HRT and transgender health. I am so blessed.

 Love love love!

MARVAL

February fifth, T minus 3 Daze

I am thankful for this meal. For this meal I am thank full, thank you, meal. Thank you bodice. I am in utter awe. Grief is a celebration of life. I am stricken.
I am mounted. Stigmata written on my leg, where the first of magic entered. I mark blood on the journey to reclaim my lingam, my phallic sensibilities, to transform any known understanding of the latter into a deviled and foolish thing; my own physicality itself a burden to the eyes of the Otherized who cannot see.

But right in front of you, I will force your head. Gentle gentle gentle. With the terrifying power of unconditional devotion, Love, agape, I will force your chin upwards, downwards, both ways to upend the daze. Perhaps I feel the martyr encoded within me rise up and take you all on. It is just mechanics, design, I am just a building going my way. "And young And naive And And And martyrdom." I am just a building, up in flames, to rebuild again.

This small- handful of days where the magic has crept into my bloodstream, I know I am now, talon by talon, through the doorway. The doorway to where I meet all of you, to burn baby burn with you, for you, at you. I am a monkey, watch me dance. And all that jazz.

But narcissistic devotations aside, I realize. I come into awareness, into realization. I am doing the best for myself, and that has been the greatest challenge thus far. I have always done the best for others, and now I am doing the best for myself. And my life has changed. My life is change. Stigmata on my leg, and I am a phoenix who must die to wake up, and wake up to die.
What a wonderful life.



 

tRANS Understanding

Video: Understanding ONEself as Trans

Thank you Emery for being awesome,

Love,

Mar

In memorium of Leslie Feinberg

 Feinberg’s writing and lived example

taught me that my masculine leanings

weren’t things I should hide or be

ashamed of, that gender wasn’t

something I was, but something I could

choose to do, however I wanted.

http://www.autostraddle.com/how-leslie-feinberg-changed-our-lives-the-autostraddle-roundtable-266486/

Writings A'Neux

This is such a sly coming out, so tender, the way my watery parts are. This is the first time in a long while I've posted my own written ramblings and spoken broken binary code truths. 

I’m transgender.

But really, I am just myself.

There is this impulse to label oneself so that society may read you and feel safe or threatened or whatever intricacies the label may invoke.

I’m just myself, just! And infinity and beyond!

I am dear and darling human, and I am bald and imblanaced and laugh and make art, I am all the favorite things about us humans.

I also have socially transitioned from one gender to another, according to the binary.

For me, I have always been queer, have never been one gender, and now look to explore the places where they conditioned me not to go. I am now exploring the ways that I have felt and not expressed.

 I am learning my foundation, which feels stunted. I am re-learning myself.

And I have to go through a second puberty to boot.

I’m transgender, but really

I’m pangender.

I am a slight mutation, and now I have to place a word above and over my mutation.

But I am do-doing, being myself one day at a time.

The hardest part is social transitioning. Being patient with others when you feel so damn incredibly uncomfortable. When you want to hide because you feel like a freak, like the phantom of the opera and all male bodies as the knights in shining armor.

Social transition involves time passing, patience, asking people to call you by your new name/pronouns, talking others through it, awaiting their responses with courageous stoicism, and a lot of time passing and patience.

It involves a level of almost unreal, insane perseverance. Its when you know of no other option do you transition. When you realize transitioning is the key to every door of struggle and the light to all the dark places within yourself. When you realize you have been escaping your gender your whole life and you need to take a breath and land. Then do you consider a change. It is a change at the roots of your tree.

Transmasculine: a definition

Transmasculine is a term used to describe those who were assigned female at birth, but identify as more male than female. Transmasculine is often used as a catch-all term for all people assigned female at birth who identify as masculine of center, including trans men, but the adoption of the term as an identity is a matter of personal preference. 

Those who identify as transmasculine, as opposed to simply as FTM or a man, trans or otherwise, often place themselves masculine of center- that is, they identify more closely with maleness than femaleness, and generally desire a physical appearance that reflects this identification, but do not identify as wholly male or as a man. 

This identity is similar to that of a demiguy in that demiguys often identify with maleness or masculinity, but only partially. It should be noted that transmasculine is not a descriptor of gender expression but of identity. Transmasculine people do not necessarily have to be stereotypically masculine in their interests or even presentation.

quad self?