2: Memoir Momens

August 3rd, 2015 ; SL, UT

It’s my six month anniversary on Taking back the new Me. 6 Months of dying to wake up. It’s been nine months total in Trans ‘Lization.

Who knew another ol’ transsexual jew would be teaching me to dance for the first time, and write again. I am the student of Trans women the world over. Woman, in all her forms, is my perpetual teacher. I praise that which she embodies, the Divine Feminine.

My mother, my lover, and Kate holy Tranny Jew Bornstein.

Thank you.

From the bottom of my wounded walking warrior stud heart on my shoe strings. Thank you.  

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I’ve been quite lethargic in the middle of the days lately. Some transit’s asking me to slow down and feel myself breathe. Breathe in and breathe out. And to feel the scary parts. The parts that we use control and neurosis to not totally feel, to dull out the pain. They are creeping in on my periphery and I can feel them clouding my vision; on the cusp of my awakening they appear.  

I am learning my new body.

I like my penis. He is small now, but powerful and quite earnest in his contract and release. I am pleased with his transformation so far. I am growing fonder and more familiar all the time. 

I like how my body is hardening, and still how androgynous it is. I sometimes find my breasts sexy, but often not on me, just sexy like phantoms separate from I. I still feel dysphoria from the places where fat has deposited in an estrogen rich body. I have a hard time looking at those parts, still.  

Dancing and writing helps. It is necessary. Working out also feels fabulous and cathartic and empowering. I am a little lion ready to grow large and powerful. The working out is masculine, so is the masturbating with my Peen, and the dancing and the self-penetration is often more feminine. Still, I find myself much on the masculine side, than ever before. I find myself more fierce, confident, sometimes ferocious and impulsive. However, my feminine grows with my masculine, and I can feel places where I am beginning to soften. 

Largely, this is a time of expansion for me. The Me that came before felt so small, when I craved to be as Big as I felt inside. Now I am actually becoming Big, as I navigate around the traps of modern Mask-ulinity. I am shamanically expanding, far beyond any notion of control or power over others. I am looking to have power over myself and to Love first and foremost myself and all beings.  

That is my approach to Life: it be Love.