2: Memoir Momens

August 3rd, 2015 ; SL, UT

It’s my six month anniversary on Taking back the new Me. 6 Months of dying to wake up. It’s been nine months total in Trans ‘Lization.

Who knew another ol’ transsexual jew would be teaching me to dance for the first time, and write again. I am the student of Trans women the world over. Woman, in all her forms, is my perpetual teacher. I praise that which she embodies, the Divine Feminine.

My mother, my lover, and Kate holy Tranny Jew Bornstein.

Thank you.

From the bottom of my wounded walking warrior stud heart on my shoe strings. Thank you.  

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I’ve been quite lethargic in the middle of the days lately. Some transit’s asking me to slow down and feel myself breathe. Breathe in and breathe out. And to feel the scary parts. The parts that we use control and neurosis to not totally feel, to dull out the pain. They are creeping in on my periphery and I can feel them clouding my vision; on the cusp of my awakening they appear.  

I am learning my new body.

I like my penis. He is small now, but powerful and quite earnest in his contract and release. I am pleased with his transformation so far. I am growing fonder and more familiar all the time. 

I like how my body is hardening, and still how androgynous it is. I sometimes find my breasts sexy, but often not on me, just sexy like phantoms separate from I. I still feel dysphoria from the places where fat has deposited in an estrogen rich body. I have a hard time looking at those parts, still.  

Dancing and writing helps. It is necessary. Working out also feels fabulous and cathartic and empowering. I am a little lion ready to grow large and powerful. The working out is masculine, so is the masturbating with my Peen, and the dancing and the self-penetration is often more feminine. Still, I find myself much on the masculine side, than ever before. I find myself more fierce, confident, sometimes ferocious and impulsive. However, my feminine grows with my masculine, and I can feel places where I am beginning to soften. 

Largely, this is a time of expansion for me. The Me that came before felt so small, when I craved to be as Big as I felt inside. Now I am actually becoming Big, as I navigate around the traps of modern Mask-ulinity. I am shamanically expanding, far beyond any notion of control or power over others. I am looking to have power over myself and to Love first and foremost myself and all beings.  

That is my approach to Life: it be Love.    

Individuation: The Individed Individual

The whole magic of what individuality is all about is that you are invited to respond to life, to be yourself, to not interfere. If you touch the heart of any individual and ask them what they really care about philosophically, they will tell you: non-interference so they can be themselves.

Today I looked at my individual circuitry. I looked at the Individualist aspect(s) of myself. An individual loves this, a third line being loves this. I love to look at myself. I love to Contemplate, to Contemplate thus: What I Struggle for in the Now.

Except there is a missing link, there is an energy that I was not born with, and this is a fixed sense of self. Which means WHO I struggle (ie. ambitiously work) for is mutative, is changing. Because WHO I am is mutable, is consistently changing...via planetary transits and the aura of the Other.
WHO I struggle for is often not me, is often the struggle of an Other. And I take it on, and try to manifest mystical union, all sexy like Jimmy-and-the-Doors, and I often succeed and often fail. Trial and Error baby.

And I wonder, I contemplate WHO I am, and it can highly frustrate me. Because it is built to mutation; my self is built to mutate. Now, not everyone's Self energy is built for mutation...

and thus the puzzle piece human life comes into play. Fun like play. Fun. Hilarious, and, of course, gravely serious. Yang attracting Yin, searching for wholeness...rigidity meeting fluidity. Fixed selves and mutable selves. Glorious energy synergisms.

Totality, I see totality. Even in my open, yin, sense of Self. I see all totality, aha! I see it because it is an illusion of separateness, individuality is an illusion of separateness.
But it is also glorious and necessary and a suspension for Oneness. It creates the bridge between I and the Other. And without it, I could never see Oneness...because I could never I.


//
And I sometimes stand on the beach and I often float in the ocean.
//
Perfect paradoxes performing passionate pleasures and pains. 

  
 Love,

M.a.R

A Liminal Virgin: First Post

ello. I have a feeling this will be a hard blog to follow. Perhaps I want it to be hard for you to follow. Perhaps I want this blog to be like a fruit bowl in a dark as night kitchen. A fruit bowl where I don't really want you to find the pomegranate, as it is hidden betwixt apples and other less sensual fruit. And the greatest fear of mine... that you will reach right in and cup the red shelled fruit, unclench your jaw and bite, and hate the taste of it all.

Enjoy. I feel like it is time to share. For anyone and for no one.

Actually, for me.   

Love,

Maria .A. Rechsteiner